Weightless

Having decided last evening to start planning my escape I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted off of me.  I have allowed myself to become so mired down by all of these thoughts and emotions - and feeling so fucking trapped by them - that yesterday, if I actually had access to a gun, I would have put a bullet in my brain.

After coming almost completely unraveled in a meeting at work yesterday, after the meeting was finished, I actually asked my boss, "Is it okay if I go and put a bullet in my head now?" I was not joking, yet he had no idea just how serious I was.

Typical.

Not one person who knows me has any idea just how far gone over the edge I really am right now. Not. One. Person.  Because I am THAT good of a liar.  Because I am THAT good at faking it.

I have already deactivated my Facebook account. I was even honest when the stupid fucking app asked me why I wanted to deactivate it: because I plan on killing myself. The deactivation page on the app is all cutesy-like "well won't your blah-blah-blah number of friends miss you?"  Seriously?! Um. No.

I have turned off all the notifications on my phone so I don't have to listen to the incessant beeps and rings of people wanting to waste my time with nonsense. Of people who just don't give a shit.

I cannot hear, ever again, my dad or stepmom tell me that I take too many medications, or that I don't need medication (to feel better). Seriously?! What the fuck do you think has kept me stuck on top of this fucking world for the past 48 years?! WTF?! Well, besides Henry, that one time. When he was too smart for his own fucking good and ruined a perfectly good attempt at an overdose death. (Right now, I hate you for that, Henry. I SO fucking hate you for that. Especially - ESPECIALLY! - since you LEFT ME ANYWAY! You fucking dick!)

Things to do:

1. Obtain boxes.
2. Box up the kid's stuff and figure out how to get it delivered to each of them. 
3. Change my phone number and not give my number to anybody. FUCK THE WORLD.
4. Sell everything that is not absoluely essential until the absolute end.
5. Trash/shred/donate everything else.
6. Draw up a "Last Will and Testament". This actually makes me laugh. I have nothing of any value. Except the jewelry Henry gave me - which I will leave to Henry. He can choke on it at the same time he is choking on his guilt and how he was the one that finally destroyed me. (FUCK YOU, HENRY!)
7. Consolidate bank accounts.
8. Cancel car insurance.
9. Cancel renter's insurance.
10. Write a letter to each of my kids.
11. Write a letter to each of my parents.
12. Have my other blog published into a book with enough copies printed to give to each of my kids, siblings and parents. Oh, and Henry. And Jake. 

This list will continue to grow as I wrap up everything.